“Thank you for doing the laundry.”
That’s one thing my wife needs to hear. She needs to know that I notice what she does and I appreciate her hard work. She needs to know that she matters and that I see her. She needs recognition, confirmation and affirmation.
And if I had to guess, you want to hear those same things.
But do you know what your husband needs to hear from you?
I took a quick survey from a few of my married friends of various ages and years of marriage. I asked them one question: What is one thing you NEED to hear your wife say?
Here are their responses:
– “I support you and your efforts, and I have your back.”
– “I need to hear how much she is still in love with me and that she realizes how much I truly love just being around her spending time together.”
– “I support you.”
– “When she can tell that Christ is working through me to consistently be the spiritual leader of our house.”
– “I need to know that no matter how much I get wound up that she will always slow me down. It’s not so much a sound but more of a touch or when she looks at me a certain way.”
– “Thank you.”
– “Come help me do this or I need you to do this. It’s important to feel needed.”
Now, here are a few things that I need to hear from Sarah in some form or another:
– Thank you.
– You’re smart.
– You look nice.
– You’re funny.
– Hold me.
– What are you thinking about?
Just as Sarah needs recognition and appreciation, so do I. I need to know that what I do matters and that she is grateful.
I need to know that she thinks I am smart. This a bit of a flaw for me. I like to know things. I like for other people to know that I know things. I like to be right. Sometimes, more often than I’d like to admit, this makes me come across as a know-it-all. This is something I have recognized and I am working to rectify. (Thank you for your patience.)
I need her to ask me things. This goes along with the previous two in that she thinks I am smart and that I am needed.
Every now and then I like to hear that I look good. Not that I look okay or that my clothes match. But that she finds me attractive. That she is sexually attracted to me.
Laughter is important to our family. It was in my wedding vows. It’s one of our Family Core Values (you’ll be hearing more about this in the coming weeks). Life is boring without laughter. My goal is to make my wife laugh. As much as possible. If I have not made her laugh at least once in a day, it bothers me.
My primary love language is physical touch. When she asks me to hold her (or touch her in any way, really), it satisfies my desire to be needed, it confirms her attraction to me and it addresses my love language.
Usually I’m the one who asks her what she’s thinking. It often initiates a deep conversation – cause, you know, a woman’s mind is a complex thing. Rarely she asks me first. When she does, it allows me to be completely transparent with her. Not that I’m ever holding anything back, but if she catches me off guard with the question, it can spark some interesting conversation.
So what does all of this mean for your husband? Chances are, he’ll appreciate all of the above. However, you will have to find out what he desires the most. Try a few of the statements I’ve mentioned and watch his body language – his facial expressions and his posture. If it hits his buttons, you may be able to tell. Of course, you can always just ask him. It’s always a good idea to talk to each other about each other.
I think that every spouse needs to hear 3 things on a regular basis.
- I love you.
- I support you.
- Thank you.
I referenced my love language. In case you’re not familiar with what I’m referring to, Dr. Gary Chapman has determined that there are 5 different ways to express love to your spouse. And there is usually one BIG one that you desire over the other four. They are:
– Words of Affirmation
– Quality Time
– Receiving Gifts
– Acts of Service
– Physical Touch
You probably already know which one your spouse desires. But sit down and discuss each one. You might learn something about each of you.
So what do you desire to hear most from your spouse? Do you know each other’s love language?