Free Fall.

There’s a secular band called Walk the Moon that I’ve found and I listen to their self-titled album on repeat some days. The opening line to one of my favorite songs is “I must’ve tumbled out of a plane ’cause I free fell all year.” And I smile every time I hear it because if there has ever been a lyric to describe my life right now, it’s that one.

Man. 2017 has been the year of the free fall. Or the year of the whiplash. I think both are pretty accurate descriptions.

I just read my last post that I wrote back at the beginning of 2017. I wrote about seasons and being present no matter what that season holds. It’s almost kind of eerie reading it now–knowing what I know. Because not three weeks after penning that post Roman lost his job. And in case you had forgotten…we had just closed on our house on November 30th.

I turn 27 years old this summer. I’d like to think that in my almost three decades of living, I’ve been through a lot. Married at 19. Working full-time while going to college full-time online. Ministry. Infertility. Moving to a new city on a whim because God said to. Jobs I loved. Jobs I hated. Motherhood. Extreme sleep deprivation. More ministry. A teething baby. Have I mentioned extreme sleep deprivation? And while each of those seasons and experiences brought their own set of difficulties {some obviously more than others} I can’t quite explain to you the sheer shock of January 25, 2017. Because this was more than a job: this is what we thought was a life-career…a life-calling. It was all we had worked to achieve in college. It was the reason we thought God had moved us away from friends and family. And. We. Had. Just. Bought. A. House.

See what I mean? The year of the free fall.

I don’t know if I will ever forget that moment when Roman called to tell me the news. I don’t think I will ever forget putting Jackson down for his nap and then escaping to our bathroom to fall apart. The memories of that burning hot shower with even hotter tears streaming down my face feels like it just happened yesterday. Curled up on my knees with my face almost to the ground and that sick knot in my stomach, crying out to the Lord with all that I could between sobs.

Yes, surely, I prayed quite a lot and quite fervently during infertility. But this was different. A different kind of pain. A different kind of helplessness. A different kind of crumbling. {And for any of you reading these words of mine going through a season like this–truly, my prayers are with you.}

Did you know that the Lord is faithful? I know, I know. We spout off these cute little cliche Christian phrases all the time, but I’m so ridiculously serious right now. Do you know it? Not just in your head but deep down in your soul? Are you standing on solid ground or a crumbling foundation?

There’s something else I remember from that day. Another vivid memory that permeates my consciousness. When I had cried almost all the tears I could cry and the hot water was starting to give out I asked the Lord, “What if this was all a mistake? What if we moved here when we weren’t supposed to? What if we bought this house when we shouldn’t have? What if this brings us to financial ruin?” Immediately He whispered back, “Even then, I can redeem anything. I can redeem even this.”

Did you know that the Lord is faithful? Not just in your head but deep down in your soul? When the pregnancy doesn’t come or the job gets lost or the family member dies or the car breaks down or the refrigerator breaks, are you standing on solid ground or a crumbling foundation? Can you stare at the free fall and shout into the atmosphere “My God is faithful!”

The Lord has done so much for us in this season. We had a community of friends and family rally around us in the weeks that followed. We never once missed a bill, never once did we go hungry. Sure, we’ve scaled back a ton. There have been no date nights or vacations or shopping. But our needs have been wonderfully, beautifully met, more than we ever deserved. We have heard from the Lord in this season like we never have before. He has placed a calling on our lives through this that rattles my brain when I stop to think about it, and I can’t wait to share more with you in the days to come.

But let me just say for now, His name is Faithful and True. And when He redeems and saves, it’s not just our souls but every situation we face in this life. He can and will redeem your infertility. He can and will redeem your sickness. He can and will redeem your job loss. He is always faithful to restore and He is always faithful to be present in the middle of it all. Will it always look like we think? No. But He always keeps His word and one day–whether in this life or in eternity–we will recognize His hand working in every season and trial.

So yea, 2017 has been the year of the free fall. But the Lord is my parachute and He always catches me, right in His perfect time.


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